Just a little bit stronger

No matter how hard I pretend it isn't true...

2011-05-19T10:03:00.000-07:00

And at the end of the day.... no matter how hard I pretend it isn't true - I still love you.

Yes, I've learned to laugh again.

Yes, I've even learned to love again.

Yes, each day it's easier and I spend less time thinking about you.

But at the end of the day....no matter how hard I pretend it isn't true - I still love you.

"Do you ever worry that you've let people down?"

2011-05-16T13:14:00.000-07:00

...Even on my weakest days....I get a little bit stronger <3

I learned something in church yesterday - Palm Trees - they survive the worst of the worst. They can be hit by wind storms, floods etc -and they stay strong through it all. Unlike other trees that snap, break and fall -Palm Trees are strong. They are rooted in what is right... they have a strong foundation and good strong roots. And no matter what comes their way - typically they survive it.

A good friend asked me today "Do you ever worry that you've let people down?" I paused for all of a minute and then it was as if something came over me - because all I could do was talk and explain everything I've been feeling and dealing with.

Two different thoughts came to mind:

All I ever wanted was to grow up, get married and have kids. If you had asked me when I was 12 what I wanted from life - I would have given you the exact same answer that I would have given you at 17. I want to grow up, get married and have kids. At 19 I got married. And at 23 I became single. It's a long story - but everything I ever wanted fell apart August of this past year. Everything I had lived for - had fallen apart. I couldn't have cared less if I had my own house, my own car or a fantastic job - I lived to be married and when I all of a sudden lost my dream, I lost myself.

Secondly, Growing up I was a "good Christian girl" I was in church every Sunday. I was on the leadership team, I ran children's Sunday School, I was on the core youth group team. Church was "my life." In 2005 I graduated from high school and moved on to go into Bible School. I was living, breathing the "church life" I had grown up in. However when my marriage failed in August - I felt like I lost the good "church girl." Being divorced is a big no-no in the church world. It doesn't seem to matter the story, the why, or the reasoning - but being divorced feels like a big black mark on my forhead. So when I felt I had failed God, expectations and the "church world" - I felt as if I lost myself.

Anyway - back to the question about "letting people down." At some point I made the choice to stop caring about what people think and it was a very slippery slope. I told myself "people are judging me anyway - so who really cares?" For example - "I'm going to be judged for a friend spending the night - regardless of there is no sex and am going to gain no brownie points for having nothing happen - so the judgement is the same so who really cares if anything happens" Another example is drinking "I am going to be judged by my family regardless if I have one drink or get drunk so why not get drunk" I realize how silly this sounds and slightly embarrasing and I actually doubt the judgement is as harsh as I believe it is....but in my mind these are the excuses I have been making.

At some point - I actually stopped caring. At some point I gave up.

So now I make choices all over the map -

Some days I choose right....

And some days I choose wrong...

And all the girl wanted....was a bathtub

2011-05-15T00:09:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time....

That's almost how I feel thisblog should begin. This whole situation seems so amazing - so fantastic that it must be surely from a story book.

Sometime back in April - a friend of mine decided he was going to purchase a house. They came to a verbal agreement sometime in April and everything was to be signed, dated and keys exchanged on May 5th. May 5th came and went - and I received my keys to the basement suite I was going to be renting from my friend. We both gave our notices to our current rentals - and I began to pack. I was SO excited to move. I was going to paint the suite. I was busy picking colors, packing and just getting excited for a new chance at life.

It's hard to find affordable rentals in my town. However, even harder then finding affordable rentals - try finding them with two dogs. I knew just how lucky I was to be moving into this basement suite - and I was SO excited.

May 12th I received a phone call from my friend - saying that something had gone wrong - and they had accepted another offer that he just couldn't beat. My heart actually sunk. I was now out a place to live come June 1st - and couldn't stay in my current rental. I, for the first time in a long time, felt hopeless. I had no-where to go and knew the odds of finding a place that would take me (in the price range I could afford) but even then - I knew the odds of finding a place that would accept my dogs.

I hadn't prayed in a long time - but on May 12/13th I actually prayed. I cried out to God. (after-all what did I have to lose?) I explained the situation -and begged for a solution. I told Him how exausted I was - how hopeless I felt and how I needed a miracle. I'm sure He knew my doubt-filled heart. I'm sure He wasn't fooled by me. I cried - I actually felt hopeless. I remembered some prayer sermon one day, somewhere - that talked about being specific with your hopes and desires. So in the quietness of my heart - I told God exactly what I wanted.

It had to be within a certain price range.

It had to be pet friendly (for my 2 dogs)

I wanted somewhere nice, clean and safe to live

It had to be available June 1st -

and I really, really, really wanted a bathtub.

Last night in pure frustration and sadness as I lay in bed - I flipped through kijiji ads. Everything was $300-$800 out of my price range. I knew I couldn't make it happen. Even if it was "close" to my price range- it was no pets allowed. My heart just sank lower and lower. I blogged about it - see "How am I supposed to breathe with no air" and for whatever reason my eyes fell on this one ad - "Above ground basement suite $$$" - I flipped into the ad. Here is what it read.

Avail June 01, 2011.
This suite won't last at this price. Great place in a great neighborhood.

Pet friendly
Parks near by, hiking out the back door.
Close to bus route, shopping, etc. Perfect for single student or working professional.
There is a walk in closet, full tub in the bathroom, BBQ available, parking, and storage.
There is wireless internet, Full Cable, a large fenced yard, close to hiking & biking trails, tennis courts, BBQ & fruit trees
I quickly emailed the ad - and said a quick prayer. Okay it was more like a desperate begging plea. This morning I had a response - This afternoon I viewed the unit - and today I put my deposit down. Dozens of people had viewed the unit - but for whatever reason none had called back. It was all pre-sorted out for me.

God knew what I needed - but more then that - He even got me the bathtub.

Yes it's tiny, (like really tiny) yeah - It's going to be a HUGE downgrade - but that's okay. I'm excited - and God knew what I needed - Sometimes it's all worked out - and we just need to wait.

I even got the bathtub.

Sarah

You gave me wings to fly...you believed in me.

2011-05-14T08:14:00.000-07:00

When I thought I couldn't go on - you believed in me.

When I had lost my way - you led me back.

When I cried - you held me.

While I grew - you were patient with me.

When the world was too much to handle - you were my safe place.

I'll probably never tell you - how much our friendship means to me. The laughter, the late night talks, the early morning breakfasts and over and over again - Allowing me to be a better person. Allowing me to be me.

You gave me wings to fly - You changed me.

Everything changed that one day in 2004 - and I'm so thankful for a friendship that stands the test of time - one of growth, maturity and trust.

How am I supposed to breathe without air?

2011-05-13T21:53:00.000-07:00

I think one of my greatest fears in life is drowning. The thought of not being able to catch my next breath horrifies me. Drowning...scares me.

But I begin to ask myself....

Is that so much different then life right now?

I realize that one cannot live without hope - and in many ways - hope is like that next breath. Hope is the air that we breathe. Hope of something better - and a hope of something more.

My life seems like a pretty steady string of tsunami waves lately. But you see - I'm strong. Waves wipe everything out - and I rebuild. But with each dream and hope that comes to a close and with each dream and hope that wash away - I can't help but ask myself - How am I supposed to breathe without air?

A picture can say a thousand words - or so they say

2011-05-13T21:27:00.000-07:00

A picture can say a thousand words - or so they say.

Yet...there aren't a thousand words that could describe how broken I feel inside, but this picture does. This picture is of my dog Callie. This picture is of me.

This isn't my first blog - and it certainly won't be my last. But it will be the blog where when I look back - I remember that even on my weakest days - I get a little bit stronger.

~Sarah~