"Do you ever worry that you've let people down?"

...Even on my weakest days....I get a little bit stronger <3

I learned something in church yesterday - Palm Trees - they survive the worst of the worst. They can be hit by wind storms, floods etc -and they stay strong through it all. Unlike other trees that snap, break and fall -Palm Trees are strong. They are rooted in what is right... they have a strong foundation and good strong roots. And no matter what comes their way - typically they survive it.

A good friend asked me today "Do you ever worry that you've let people down?" I paused for all of a minute and then it was as if something came over me - because all I could do was talk and explain everything I've been feeling and dealing with.

Two different thoughts came to mind:

All I ever wanted was to grow up, get married and have kids. If you had asked me when I was 12 what I wanted from life - I would have given you the exact same answer that I would have given you at 17. I want to grow up, get married and have kids. At 19 I got married. And at 23 I became single. It's a long story - but everything I ever wanted fell apart August of this past year. Everything I had lived for - had fallen apart. I couldn't have cared less if I had my own house, my own car or a fantastic job - I lived to be married and when I all of a sudden lost my dream, I lost myself.

Secondly, Growing up I was a "good Christian girl" I was in church every Sunday. I was on the leadership team, I ran children's Sunday School, I was on the core youth group team. Church was "my life." In 2005 I graduated from high school and moved on to go into Bible School. I was living, breathing the "church life" I had grown up in. However when my marriage failed in August - I felt like I lost the good "church girl." Being divorced is a big no-no in the church world. It doesn't seem to matter the story, the why, or the reasoning - but being divorced feels like a big black mark on my forhead. So when I felt I had failed God, expectations and the "church world" - I felt as if I lost myself.

Anyway - back to the question about "letting people down." At some point I made the choice to stop caring about what people think and it was a very slippery slope. I told myself "people are judging me anyway - so who really cares?" For example - "I'm going to be judged for a friend spending the night - regardless of there is no sex and am going to gain no brownie points for having nothing happen - so the judgement is the same so who really cares if anything happens" Another example is drinking "I am going to be judged by my family regardless if I have one drink or get drunk so why not get drunk" I realize how silly this sounds and slightly embarrasing and I actually doubt the judgement is as harsh as I believe it is....but in my mind these are the excuses I have been making.

At some point - I actually stopped caring. At some point I gave up.

So now I make choices all over the map -

Some days I choose right....

And some days I choose wrong...